The Overland, Adelaide to Melbourne

Somehow I managed to enjoy my freshly-nuked bacon and cheese croissant, despite its limp, deflated appearance. I think it was because I was on a train, which is fun, rather than a plane, which is not. Maybe the simple fact of having a steady blood-flow through your legs makes things taste better?

Qantas Flight QF 93, Trans-Pacific

Mmmmm... airplane food. After a dozen hours crammed in like a sardine, I was looking forward to any breakfast. Even this. And despite looking rather sad, it was quite edible, if a little difficult to eat. You just need to take turns using your elbows. And carefully time each forkful of scrambled egg so that it makes the journey to your mouth without incident. Turbulence is a bitch.

Two Fingers, Melbourne

Almost French, Richmond

A baguette is very French. A scrambled egg and bacon roll is not very French. So I guess it makes sense to describe a scrambled egg and bacon baguette as almost French. And it was an obvious choice for breakfast at Almost French, 138 Swan Street, Richmond, Tel +61 3 9429 2080. Très très yummy.



The quality of the baguette made all the difference to this take-away breakfast. Light and crispy on the outside. Soft, fresh and ever so slightly chewy on the inside. And stuffed with scrambled eggs and a generous amount of crispy bacon through a slit along the spine. I was a little concerned that their re-heating technique might ruin everything (part microwave, part toaster-oven), but it worked just fine.

More bakery than cafe, there are, nonetheless, a handful of small cafe tables for dining in, from which you can admire the handiwork of local celebrity Mirka Mora. You might even get a chance to admire Mirka herself. She popped in for some bread while I was there.

Pearl Cafe, Richmond

Make no mistake. I am a greedy pig. So things are pretty bad when I put the fork down half-way through my eggs. But that's exactly what happened this morning at Pearl Cafe, 599 Church Street, Richmond, Tel +61 3 9427 1307. What a train wreck.



The original Pearl turned coddled eggs into an art form. Pearl Cafe turned out coddled eggs that made my stomach churn. First, they wheel out a dish that it absolutely swimming in raw egg white. Not coddled. Not lightly cooked. Raw. After a short discussion with my waiter we agree that coddled eggs are not supposed to be raw, so they are sent back for a bit more coddling, or so I think. A while later I am presented with a plate of hard, rubbery eggs, the remnants of which are pictured above. Let's not molly-coddle these people. It was disgusting.

Normally, the combination of mushrooms, double-smoked bacon, sage and burnt butter is a winner. Somehow, this dish kills the magic. The mushrooms were wet and bland, not buttery and tasty. The bacon was wet and limp. The toasted multi-grain was dry and butter-less. And the sage was nowhere to be found.

But it's not all bad. If you go to Pearl and order the muesli, or one of the bacon, egg, lettuce and tomato panini, you will be very happy. The french toasted peach sandwhich with vanilla marscapone might also be good. And the venue is slick, if a little noisy, with cute touches like Japanese Geisha salt and pepper mills.

Just avoid the coddled eggs.

13/20 "stick to the muesli"

Cumulus Inc, Melbourne

I have spoken before about grand master Andrew McConnell's special culinary powers. The legend continues at Cumulus, Inc., 45 Flinders Lane, Melbourne, Tel +61 3 9650 1445. He calls the place an eating house where breakfast is done simply. But since when do "eating houses" dabble in molecular gastronomy? Breakfast done simply my arse.



Not that I'm complaining. He can tinker around with the slow poaching machine and other scientific experiments as long as he likes. The failures can go in the bin. And the winners can go on the menu. Like the 65/65 egg. Slow "poached" in its shell at 65 degrees for 65 minutes, this is one perfect eggy-wegg. Just soft and slightly oozy all the way through. Genius.

If he keeps coming up with dishes like this, McConnell may soon be challenging Wylie Dufresne for the "Egg Man" title. In fact, now that I think of it, they share an eerie resemblance, especially in the haircut department. Not that I'm accusing Andrew of ripping off Wylie's look.

The 65/65 egg is served, sans shell, on a slice of crunchy sourdough toast, surrounded by smoked salmon, sprinkled with a few shreds of sorrel and dill, and topped with miniature apple soldiers about the size of matchsticks ($17). I contemplated dunking my apple soldiers in the egg yolk, but that would have looked a bit stupid, so I just shovelled bits onto my egg and toast.

If you're hungry, a better option may be the Full English ($18), which includes toast, farmhouse slab bacon, fried eggs, blood sausage, and smoked tomato. I am a big fan of the smoked vegetable, by the way, and the Tom Cooper smoked tomato they serve at Cumulus is no exception. Which reminds me, if you ever make it to wd~50 in New York, you should not miss Wylie Dufresne's smoked mashed potato (served with cod). It rocks. But I digress... For something a bit healthier, try the Bircher muesli with grated granny smiths and almonds ($10).

Coffee, service and venue are all excellent. But I have absolutely no idea why they named the place after a cloud.

20/20 "smokin"

Top 20 Melbourne

It's been a while since I did the original Top 10 wrap-up for Melbourne breakfasts. So to make up for lost time I am now doing a Melbourne Top 20. Some clever-dick will probably nit-pick about Mt Macedon. Whatever. It's greater-Melbourne. Sort of. Breakfast Blog mavens will also not that I am listing them all as an alphabetical bucket this time, not ranked in any particular order. It's just coincidence that Apte comes top and also happens to have the highest score.

Apte, Alphington
Balzari, Carlton
Blue Tongue, Elwood
Botanical, South Yarra
Braeside Cafe, Mt Macedon
Circa, St Kilda
European, Melbourne
Fandango, North Melbourne
Filter Cafe, Fitzroy
Galleon Cafe, St Kilda
Greasy Joe's, St Kilda
Green Grocer, North Fitzroy
Harveys, South Yarra
Las Chicas, Balaclava
Mario's, Fitzroy
Mart 130, Middle Park
Panette, South Melbourne
Replete Providore, Hawthorn
Tom Phat, Brunswick
Walter's Wine Bar, Southbank

Commercial Bakery, Secret Eggs

Hidden away off Little Collins Street, just up from Elizabeth Street, and just down from the back door of the old McEwans (now tarted up and renamed The Foundry), lurks a new city venue known as Commercial Bakery, 360 Little Collins Street (up the rear), Melbourne, Tel +61 3 9670 7214. And hidden somewhere other than on the menu, is the fact that you can order a plate of scrambled eggs. I only know this because I saw said scrambled eggs served up to another customer, as I tucked in to my egg and bacon ciabatta (which seemed to be the only egg option on the menu).

The Essoign Club, Melbourne

Only a club for barristers and judges could come up with a rule that anyone caught answering their mobile phone in the restaurant must buy each adjoining table a bottle of wine. Unfortunately for me, nobody breached this rule during my breakfast at The Essoign, Level 1, 205 William Street, Melbourne, Tel +61 3 9225 6748. I would have quite enjoyed a nice Bourgogne for breakfast. Beats getting hit on the head with a bottle of Pinot Grigio.



It being a week day, I opted for the "McBarrister", one of the lighter and more amusing items on the menu. A parody of the Bacon & Egg McMuffin, only superior in every way. Fresh fluffy muffins. Tasty bacon. Fried egg. And a melting slice of tasty cheese. Simple but good.

My barrister host talked up the "Trial Breakfast", but this wasn't mere puffery. The eggs were poached just right, and the bacon, bangers and toast looked well above average. Very good coffee, too.



The main problem with The Essoign is that you can't just rock up and order some eggs. There are rules, you see. You must be a member, or you must be with a member (and to be a member you must be a member of the Bar). But if you have the misfortune to be a "current litigant" (ie, someone dragging or being dragged by another through court) then you can't go at all.

14/20 "members only"

Morgans at 401, Melbourne

When I saw the blackboard special of poached eggs and bacon on potato roesti, I decided it was time to try breakfast at Morgans at 401, 401 Collins Street, Melbourne, Tel +61 3 9224 5196. My only hope was that Morgan's breakfast performance would be better than its recent federal election tipping performance.



Poor old Gary Morgan got it all wrong in 2001 when he tipped a Kim Beazley landslide, only to fail again in 2004 by tipping a narrow win to Mark "train wreck" Latham. He may not actually have tipped an ALP victory in Afghanistan, but he does seem to have a nasty habit of over-cooking ALP support by about 2 percentage points.

Luckily, Morgans didn't overcook my breakfast. In fact they cooked it just right. The poached eggs were excellent. Nice soft yolks in a vibrant shade of dark orange. The bacon was also very good. Just the right amount of crisp. The only let-down was the roesti, which was too much like a pancake for my taste. It needed more spud.

For a city venue, Morgans has a pretty good range: eggs benedict or florentine ($9.90); omelettes ($9.90); pancakes with blueberries and cream ($9.50); muesli with yoghurt and honey ($5.90); muffins; croissants; toast and more.

And as if to stress that tipping is best left to the experts, the Morgans menu declares: "gratuities not necessary"

13/20 "good eggs"



Eggs & Bacon $7.90 BB100 -21%

Breadwell, Melbourne

The top end of Flinders Lane is where Charlotte meets Miranda. Artsy galleries on one side and fancy law firms on the other. And jammed in the middle is Breadwell, 135 Flinders Lane, Melbourne, Tel +61 3 9650 8544. A stylish little cafe for a mid-week power-breakfast.



The eggs and bacon were good, without being spectacular. Nice crispy bacon and soft poached eggs on two thick slices of white sourdough toast. My only small complaint was the toast-to-egg ration, which was a bit heavy on toast and a bit light on egg.

Magic Mushrooms

If I had a drug of choice, it would be magic mushrooms

Sienna Miller

They weren't magic, but they were magnificent. Delicious, soft, creamy mushrooms on crunchy sourdough toast. My breakfast of choice this morning at Walter's Wine Bar. Strongly recommended. And if, like Sienna, you love a cigarette with your mushrooms, you can grab a spot on the balcony and puff away: "I think the more positive approach you have to smoking, the less harmful it is." What a role model...

Mr Tulk, Melbourne

Let's face it, if you're not in rehab, or recently out of rehab, you're nobody. Robbie. Pete. Britney. Keith. Lindsay. Jesse. Courtney. Even Ben Cousins. It was almost enough to make me down a bottle of Jack, score some ice, and do a few lines of coke for breakfast. But then I discovered the hash at Mr Tulk, 328 Swanston Street, Melbourne, Tel +61 3 8660 5700. Corned beef hash, to be specific.



First impressions are a bit confusing, with the sign outside instructing me to order at the bar. Then, when I rock up to the bar, they tell me it's table service if you eat inside. Oh... I guess I'll go find a seat. Service, it seems, is not a strong point.

Food, on the other hand, is a whole different story. Put simply, the corned beef hash with poached eggs was brilliant. Take a big fat cake of soft spud and finely diced corned beef and fry till golden and crispy. Top it with a pair of soft poached eggs and season lightly. Serve with a generous blob of mustard. Very, very yummy. Not very healthy. But much healthier than crystal meth.

Mr Tulk is also a very slick venue. It reminded me a bit of The Wolseley, with low leather banquettes, airy feel, high ceilings and buzzy vibe. Except that The Wolseley doesn't have a communal table surrounded by stools.

16/20 "best hash in town"

Subway, Melbourne

According to the wrapper on my "Aussie Sausage" breakfast roll, "cookies may contain traces of nuts or peanuts, even if not included in the ingredient list." Fascinating... Now I know that: (a) peanuts are not actually nuts; and (b) they may turn up in my nut-free cookie. But what's that got to do with my egg and sausage roll? Welcome to Subway, 1-5 Elizabeth Street, Melbourne, Tel +61 3 9629 9200. Eat Fresh.



Despite making it in front of me, there was nothing particularly fresh about my breakfast. The egg was microwaved. The sausage was microwaved. The bacon was microwaved. And then the whole compilation was microwaved for good measure.

The food tasted OK, but the coffee (a cappucino) was disgusting. It was borderline drinkable, but not the least bit enjoyable the way good coffee should be.

6/20 "microwaved fresh"



Eggs & Bacon $6.95 BB100 -30%

Vue de Monde, Melbourne

They served eggs, so I'm treating it as a late breakfast. And without doubt the most expensive breakfast I'm ever likely to have. Then again, I don't normally have seven courses, matched with seven wines, and water harvested from a Tasmanian cloud. There's nothing normal about a meal at Vue de Monde, 430 Little Collins Street, Melbourne, +61 3 9691 3888.



The eggs, for example, were salty little fish eggs, served atop a hens egg with some lobster mousse hidden inside. The only thing missing was toast soldiers.



The coolest dish was a stripy little terrine with layers of pate de foie gras, rabbit rillettes, carrot, minced ham and something green. It was, as our waiter noted, a very Paul Smith look.



The waiters (and waitresses) are all very professional. Like a good stalker, they're never far away, and their knowledge of the food and wine is scary. It was explained to me, for example, that the Tasmanian cloud water I was drinking was only harvested when the atmospheric particle count was below a certain level. Seriously.



If there was one disappointment, it was the "cheese course" which was actually a cheese square topped with a few slivers of fresh fig. It was a very nice cheese square. Gruyere, to be precise. But it was just a cheese square. I felt like Mr Pitt, sitting there, eating a cheese square with my Laguiole knife and fork.

Otherwise, we had a delicious, cheesy, brown mushroom risotto, smothered in black truffle shavings (not sure what all the fuss is about with truffles); some strips of wagyu beef poached in a clear soup with a few trimmings like spinach mousse and deep fried bone marrow (good, not great); a lobster and witlof salad (probably my favorite); and a self-saucing chocolate pudding (I've had better).

Dragon Boat Palace, Melbourne

Before he was Lord Mayor of Melbourne and World Mayor of 2006, John So was in the restaurant game. So what better place for Yum Cha than the Mayor's own Dragon Boat Palace, 149 Lonsdale St, Melbourne, +61 3 9639 0888. The food wasn't bad and there wasn't a cockroach in sight.



The food wasn't that flash either. Some of the dumplings were a bit gluggy, and there were some bland and pointless tofu bits that I could have done without (eg, pale yellow blobs that looked like aged mayonnaise). But the pork was a highlight, especially my old favorite, the steamed BBQ pork bun. The perfect way to celebrate the year of the golden pig. Oink.

Pushka, Melbourne

Pretty soon someone will be setting up a cafe in a sewer or an old lift well or a wheelie bin or something. Because the cafe down the alley off the laneway has been done. And one of the best examples is Pushka, Presgrave Place, Melbourne (that's the laneway filled with wheelie bins, milk crates and interesting wall art, out the back of the Capitol Theatre).



Pushka is ace. The serve cool stuff like coco pops, boiled eggs and soldiers, and "crazy toast" with vegemite and avo. And they do an impressive breakfast bagel called "The King" filled with cheese, prosciutto, avo, fried egg, mayo and something else but I forget what. Nice fresh bagels, which makes all the difference.

The ambience is best described as uber-grunge, with room for a handful of people inside, and a scattering of folding chairs, tables and milk crates in the laneway. There's a certain serenity to just sitting there, boxed in by buildings, sipping cappucino and staring up at the sky. It helps that they make an excellent cappucino (Coffee Supreme).

14/20 "crazy toast"

The Windsor, Melbourne

I used to think it was risky eating breakfast at hotels. Now I think there really should be an eleventh commandment: thou shall not eateth a hotel breakfast. Unless you like eating very average food at very high prices. For proof, look no further than The Windsor, 111 Spring Street, Melbourne, Tel +61 3 9633 6000.



The Eggs Benedict came out looking like a couple of Brighton housewives... too much time under the sun-lamp. All that remained of the "famous" Windsor hollandaise was some molten butter and a crusty skin. What were they thinking? I complained... the waiter disappeared to administer a face-lift... and eventually my eggs reappeared with a fresh layer of the Windsor's finest (which turned out to be OK).

Otherwise, the Benedict was very ordinary: the "country ham" was ungrilled; the muffins were just muffins; and the hash browns were fresh from the deep freeze. At $16 it was (surprisingly) one of the "cheap" options on the menu (only the $12 boiled eggs and soldiers were cheaper).

Speaking of cheap, I spent a good part of the morning fighting the urge to stare at a scantily clad maiden breakfasting at a nearby table... with her... ummm... uncle? boss? The good thing about the Windsor is that the windows are frosted and, at these prices, there's very little chance your wife will drop in for a bite to eat. Very discrete. Even better than the Qantas toilets.

So, if you're looking for somewhere fancy and private, and you're not too fussed about what you eat, this is the place for you. After a few glasses of Bucks Fizz who's gonna remember the food?

12/20 "bucks fizz"

QF804, Melbourne to Canberra

Aaaah, yes, the joys of travelling on a "full service" airline. You don't pay top dollar for no good reason. In addition to treating you like a terrorist and making you suffer through endless delays "due to the late arrival of the in-bound aircraft" (as if that were someone else's fault), they serve you breakfast: a plastic tub of Lite 'n' Tasty; a mini-muffin; a banana; and coffee. And it's all included in the price of your ticket. Can someone please explain to me why anyone gives a toss that Qantas is being sold off to a bunch of foreigners?

Beetroot, Melbourne

I wouldn't recommend eating beetroot for breakfast. But I would recommend eating breakfast at Beetroot, 123 Hardware Street, Melbourne, Tel +61 3 9600 0695. Especially if you like bircher muesli. They do a very thick and fruity bircher topped with berries and a generous sprinkling of whole pistachios. Yum.



Beetroot is all nice and white and modern and sleek, like an iPod. It's more of a Sydney look than a Melbourne look, but luckily it comes with friendly Melbourne service. They also score bonus points for quirky details, like serving a chocolate freckle with your coffee. Or maybe a micro-muffinette (the tiniest I've ever seen).

Despite naming itself after a root vegetable, Beetroot seems best at the sweet stuff: French toast stuffed with berries and topped with marscapone; fresh mango cheek with yoghurt, toasted almonds and granola; or toasted banana and hazelnut bread with golden syrup butter. And that's just a taste.

About the only "opportunity for improvement" is the eggs. The scrambled eggs were nice and creamy (Bills-style), but you should tell people if they're laced with pesto (lucky for me, I quite like a bit of pesto). The problem was the toast. It was a whole slab of Turkish pide, uncut and seemingly untoasted (it was hard to tell). Maybe they lost the breadknife?

16/20 "best bircher"



Eggs & Bacon $7.50 BB100 -25%