Charley's, Boston

The FCC is worried that gullible Americans might be tricked into buying stuff by embedded advertising, a sneaky form of product placement that's woven into the plot so that (a) you don't think it's an ad, and (b) you can't skip over it with your TiVo. Instead of watching a Kirstie Alley weight-loss ad during an episode of Cheers, you watch Rebecca Howe telling Sam she owes her sexy new look to Jenny Craig. You get the idea.



But don't be fooled. Jenny Craig is not the answer. I have a much better strategy for weight-loss: start the day with breakfast at a place that serves really disgusting home fries, like Charley's, 284 Newbury Street in Boston's Back Bay, Tel +1 (617) 266-3000. It's easy to cut back on the carbs when the potatoes are cold, soggy and smothered in white pepper. I hate white pepper. And I really hate it on cold soggy home fries.

Luckily, the filet mignon benedict was much better than the home fries. Take a traditional eggs benedict, swap the ham for a couple of slabs of tender beef, switch the hollandaise for a nice tarragon-infused bernaise, and as Gordon Ramsay would say... done. It's great if you're in the mood for meat.

Although the staff at Charley's were all very chipper and friendly, they really had no eye for detail. We ordered Irish breakfast tea to come out with the food (extra tea-bags please, if that's all you've got), and out came a single tea bag of English breakfast. I asked for little or no ice in my bloody mary, and I got enough to sink the Titanic. And when the eggs benny arrived, the fruit garnish was topped with a bonus piece of somebody else's left-over, yolk-soaked muffin. How it fell off an inbound plate and onto an outbound plate is a mystery which nobody could explain, but the manager was very apologetic, and they didn't charge us for the meal (nor for the extra scrap of vintage muffin).

Nonetheless, as long as you keep an eye out for foreign objects, Charley's serves some pretty decent food in a very pleasant setting (the outside tables are especially pleasant). They even throw in a bonus bloody mary, mimosa or Bud-light with each of the brunch specialties (eggs, french toast, pancakes, omelettes, etc).

But whatever you do, don't eat the home fries, or you might end up looking like this.

12/20 "homeless fries"

Caffe Sienna, South Yarra

If you like posing and perving, then get yourself to Caffe Sienna, 402 Chapel Street, South Yarra, Tel +61 3 9827 1353. It is a poser's and perve's paradise. And if you manage to score a table fronting onto Chapel Street, there's generally plenty to perve at. You know... Ducatis and Lamborghinis and hot chicks and stuff like that.



The "mediterranean" pork sausage looked like it got caught in a Ducati sprocket, but it was tasty and good. The scrambled eggs Sienna were also pretty good, souped up with capsicum, spring onion, bacon bits and tasty cheese. The toast ("Jurgens cob") was a bit dry and stale.

The menu aims to cover all bases for its target customers. For the skinny, narcissistic, Posh lookalike, there's Special K (presumably a small bowl served with low-fat water). For the iron-man lookalike there's a bowl of Nutri-Grain, followed by a "Big Brekki" of eggs, bacon, sausage, tomato, mushroom and mass-produced hash browns. Or your choice of muesli, porridge, bagels, croissants and omelettes.

Service was OK, but not great, mostly because it was slow and not very attentive. I hate it when staff are nowhere to be found, right when you need them. Like when you want to see a menu, or place an order, or pay the bill, etc.

12/20 "impressive sausage"



Eggs & Bacon $9.70 BB100 -3%

Kooroora Kitchen, Mt Buller

Assuming you don't get run over by a sugar-mommy in a Porsche Cayenne on the way there, they serve a half-decent breakfast at The Kooroora Kitchen, Village Square, Mt Buller, Tel +61 3 5777 6712. Which is quite a surprise really, since most snow-food is about half as good and twice as expensive as what you get back in the big smoke.



It wasn't the best breakfast I've had, but the scrambles were nice and creamy, the bacon and mushrooms were good, and toast and beans were fine. The disappointment was the coffee, which was OK, but only just.

Other food options are limited (pancakes, croissants, toast and porridge); the venue is relaxed and basic (it's a grungy bar by night); and the service is fine (except that you need to place your order at the counter).

You won't find too many sugar-mommies inside the Kooroora. It's more of a shredder kind of place, where you go to sink piss and brag about how you rode fakie into a backside 360 before sticking a cab 540 under the Grimus triple chair. Or something like that.

12/20 "snow job"

Bluecorn, St Kilda

For some reason, every corn tortilla I've had in Australia looks and tastes like an oversized mutant corn chip (crunchy, brittle and u-shaped). You can get soft flour tortillas. But soft corn tortillas are as elusive as drop-bears. And, as I discovered this morning, you can't even get proper blue corn tortillas at Bluecorn, 205 Barkly Street, St Kilda, Tel +61 3 9534 5996. Very disappointment. It's not like they're hard to make.



Luckily, when I grumbled about the crunchy, greasy corn "tortillas" they were quick to switch them for nice soft flour tortillas, so I could get on with enjoying my Sizzling Breakfast Fajita. Basically, you shovel stuff off your cast iron hot plate and onto each tortilla, add some sour cream and guacamole, roll it up and eat. Ingredients include scrambled eggs, bacon, chorizo, corn, red peppers, black beans, mushrooms, spinach, tomato and pine nuts. Very tasty and very filling.

The real problem is that once you've had Mexican food in California (and presumably Mexico, but my first hand experience doesn't extend that far), everything you get in Australia is second rate. Comparing Bluecorn with, say, La Taqueria is like comparing Salma Hayek with a Chihuahua. They're not really in the same league.

On a positive note, Bluecorn does seem to cater well to veggies, vegans and anyone trying to avoid lactose or gluten, and the menu is far from boring. Choices include: tortillas; waffles; fruit bread French toast; porridge with Cuban banana and lime jam; and poached eggs with creamed spinach and grilled ocean trout. They do a decent Genovese coffee, too.

12/20 "fajita"



Eggs & Bacon $11.00 BB100 +10%

The Windsor, Melbourne

I used to think it was risky eating breakfast at hotels. Now I think there really should be an eleventh commandment: thou shall not eateth a hotel breakfast. Unless you like eating very average food at very high prices. For proof, look no further than The Windsor, 111 Spring Street, Melbourne, Tel +61 3 9633 6000.



The Eggs Benedict came out looking like a couple of Brighton housewives... too much time under the sun-lamp. All that remained of the "famous" Windsor hollandaise was some molten butter and a crusty skin. What were they thinking? I complained... the waiter disappeared to administer a face-lift... and eventually my eggs reappeared with a fresh layer of the Windsor's finest (which turned out to be OK).

Otherwise, the Benedict was very ordinary: the "country ham" was ungrilled; the muffins were just muffins; and the hash browns were fresh from the deep freeze. At $16 it was (surprisingly) one of the "cheap" options on the menu (only the $12 boiled eggs and soldiers were cheaper).

Speaking of cheap, I spent a good part of the morning fighting the urge to stare at a scantily clad maiden breakfasting at a nearby table... with her... ummm... uncle? boss? The good thing about the Windsor is that the windows are frosted and, at these prices, there's very little chance your wife will drop in for a bite to eat. Very discrete. Even better than the Qantas toilets.

So, if you're looking for somewhere fancy and private, and you're not too fussed about what you eat, this is the place for you. After a few glasses of Bucks Fizz who's gonna remember the food?

12/20 "bucks fizz"

My Dog Cafe, Port Melbourne

With the benefit of hindsight, today might not have been the ideal day for a visit to My Dog Cafe, Station Pier, Port Melbourne. It was blowing a gale. It was raining cats and dogs. And a scary number of Melbourne's Greek community decided it was a nice day to jump off the pier and go for a swim.



But a bit of rain never hurt anyone. And Honey and Pippin weren't to be denied. Where else can you get a dog-a-cino with carob sprinkles and your own seat at the table? Who else serves doggie muffins and petit fours?

There's no doubt about it: My Dog cafe is very dog-friendly. But how do they treat the humans?

My eggs benedict ($14) was so-so, but perfectly edible: the eggs and hollandaise were very runny, the toast a little stale and the ham ungrilled. Nothing to get excited about. A better choice is the scrambled eggs with smoked salmon and dill marscapone, served on sourdough and a bed of rocket. They also do a good job with plain old eggs and bacon ($11), also on sourdough. And our sides of sauteed spinach and mushrooms were both good (although the mushies were very salty).



If you're not into eggs or dog food, you can have sourdough toast with jam ($5), hazelnut & fruit toast ($6.50), or toasted muesli with yoghurt and honey ($8).

All brought to you by one-time fancy chef Andrew Blake and My Dog (part of the Mars food empire). Surely it's only a matter of time before they open a schmackos bar, for pooches who like to party.

12/20 "one for the dogs"

The Bank, Yarraville

My last breakfast of 2006 was the Big Breakfast at The Bank, 13 Ballarat Street, Yarraville, Tel +61 3 9362 7222. And it was big. Not perfect, but big, with excellent crispy bacon. I just wish they'd chopped the stringy stems off the spinach. Stems-on is OK for baby spinach. But mature spinach really needs a good trim.



The scrambled eggs, sausages and mushrooms were all pretty good, but the toasted ciabatta seemed a bit stale, and the baked beans (which I had instead of tomato) were fairly bland and not quite soft enough for my taste. We also tried the eggs benedict, and it was fine, although they overlooked our request for hollandaise on the side.

As you may have guessed, The Bank is located in an old bank building, with dark fitout and high ceilings on the inside, and a handful of outside tables in the courtyard. The timber decking and smaller scale give the courtyard a more cosy feel than the main banking chamber.

My biggest gripe was the coffee. I had a cappucino and a latte, both of which were way too hot, and not at all enjoyable. I would have sent them back, but I had no faith that it would get any better second time around, so what's the point?

At least The Bank does all day brunch (where "all day" means "till 3pm"). We tried to get "brunch" at Fidama, and despite being almost completely empty, they turned us away. What kind of idiot rejects paying brunch customers at 2.10pm?

12/20 "nice deck"

Piadina Slow Food, Melbourne

I'm sorry, but this is one fad I'm not sucked in by. The piadina bubble of 2006. A culinary yo-yo and rubik's cube all rolled (or folded) into one. Anyone still eating this stuff in 2008 will probably be wearing leg-warmers and an oversized "choose life" t-shirt. Or maybe a hypercolour t-shirt? Or both.



Do you get the impression that I was less than impressed by my breakfast at Piadina Slow Food, 57 Lonsdale Street (backing onto Punch Lane), Melbourne, Tel +61 3 9662 2277?

Well you're right. It was a dud.

I ordered the scrambled egg, parmesan and spinach piadina with bacon, and it arrived looking very much like a burrito (nicely rolled up). The problem was, there was no parmesan (none that my humble taste buds could detect), and some genius decided to soil the whole thing with za'atar [I originally moaned about dukkah, but I have since been corrected]. It was gross. Maybe some people like eggs and za'atar. I don't. It tasted like someone had swept greasy lawn clippings and dirt into my breakfast. And I really hate it when "bonus" ingredients are added without warning (ie, not listed on the menu). I ate half and gave up.

OK, got that off my chest.

So, why is everyone else raving about PSF? It is a buzzy little venue, particularly if you score a booth. They do serve a decent cappucino, from BunCoffee in Byron Bay (although at lunch time they have an annoying rule that coffee can only be ordered at the same time as you order your food, supposedly to hurry things along... slow food, not slow eating). And, for lunch, the slow food options are really very good.

For a different perspective (ie, rave review), try Ukelele, Mellie or the Matt Preston piadina puff piece for Epicure.

12/20 "flat bread fad"