Greasy Joe's Slips

Finally, after all this time, Babka has a challenger (and I'm not talking beans). Greasy Joe's can thank the waitress in the stripy red top for its rapid slide from the Breakfast Blog Top 20 to not-worth-wasting-your-time-and-money. Not only did they fail to clear plates, and forget about coffee orders for well over 30 minutes, but when we walked up to re-order and inquire, they really didn't care. A couple of us even made a point of clearing our own plates, but still no-one got the message that perhaps we'd like some service.



Here are some tips for anyone running a cafe or restaurant:

1. Please try to look at the customers as you buzz about the venue. There is nothing more frustrating to be waiting for some help, your head bobbing up and down like a prairie dog, only to be treated like an invisible hobbit wearing the ring of power.

2. Make sure that, having ignored tip #1, when a customer starts wandering aimlessly around the venue in search of assistance, you show them some love and tell them you're sorry, even if you have to fake it. At this point, the customer may be a little sarcastic, as in, "Do you think maybe we could get our coffees within the next hour or two?" Don't be sarcastic back. Don't tell them "there's no need to be rude." Don't give them lip. Because if you've kept someone waiting over 30 minutes for a cup of coffee, they've earned a free pass to make at least two sarcastic comments, maybe even three. Grit your teeth and smile.

If only stripy red top knew these simple rules I might consider going back to GJ's one day. Unfortunately, she didn't. And I won't.

BTW, the eggs benny was OK, but nothing special. Go to The Galleon instead.

The Galleon, St Kilda

The thing that's attached to the typewriter. Little animal with a ball. Little animal, small... Creeps about, not a rat.

Bubble, AbFab

If bubble you crave, then get yourself down to The Galleon, 9 Carlisle Street, Tel +61 3 9534 8934, where they serve it with squeak, and a big fat banger, on toast. Or sans banger, if you prefer. Bursting with peas, corn, and other items of mystery mush, it looked very satisfying.



Last time I was here I had the sweet potato hash cakes. This time I went for eggs benny, with ham and spinach, and a hash cake on the side. And a wise choice it was, even if I do say so myself. The eggs were good. The bagel was better than a muffin. The hollandaise was thick and creamy. A very respectable, if slightly unconventional, interpretation of the classic benedict.

The coffee was also very respectable. Well above average. As were the staff. A little quirky, like Bubble. But not nearly as stupid. Not stupid at all, actually.

The only problem with The Galleon is the lack of ventilation. On a hot day, you really need to go dressed in speedos and thongs. Any more clothing and you'll start to sweat. Someone did try to improve things by ripping a hole in the ceiling, but even that hasn't quite fixed the problem.

Lava, St Kilda East

Last night, having snatched once more at the ring of power, Howard fell like Gollum into the lava of political death. So it seems only fitting to be writing about my breakfast at Lava, 219 Carlisle Street, East St Kilda, Tel +61 3 9527 2205. You can almost smell it. Howard, and all his pork, going down in flames. Mmmm... crispy bacon. Makes me hungry.



Lava's bacon, while not especially crispy, was good enough, especially when combined with a chunk of avocado and some sauteed mushrooms. Rounded out with a large serve of scrambled eggs, the "Lava breakfast" was very satisfying. A Snickers breakfast, if you like. You won't leave this place hungry.

Perched on the corner of a large communal table (very handy for reading the newspapers and checking out what others are eating), I eye-balled at least a couple of tasty offerings. The potato rosti, for example, is actually eggs florentine (poached with spinach and hollandaise) served on a rosti rather than muffins. The gluten-free crowd should love it. Or, for vegans, they offer house-made Lava beans served with feta on toast. Both looked good. If these don't float your boat, there are many other choices on the menu: muffins, croissants, banana bread, muesli, pancakes, porridge, omelettes (with or without yolks) and more.

In case you missed it, the quote of election night has to go to Kerry O'Brien, reflecting on the McKew-Howard battle for Bennelong: "It looks like a 5% swing to the ABC..."

15/20 "rosti florentine"



Eggs & Bacon $10.60 BB100 +6%

Inkr7, St Kilda

This morning I ate breakfast with what Cheap Eats calls the "professional creative" crowd, at a buzzy little venue called Inkr7, 7 Inkerman Street, St Kilda, Tel +61 3 9534 6011. I think they mean creative types with real jobs and enough money to afford nice things like black sports cars. Which puts them in the elite company of Janette Howard (apparently she liked to speed around in one when she first met John) and Nick Bracks (who used to drive a black Saab before he got pissed and pranged it).



In keeping with the crowd, the special of eggs benedict had a few creative touches. It was served on toasted pide rather than muffins. It came with spinach and ham. And there was a generous spread of Dijon mustard under the ham. Most importantly, the eggs were poached to perfection.

The standard menu has a few egg options (with various extras including grilled pancetta, grilled zucchini, pesto mayo and salmon) and "rustic" beans (5 different types) with Spanish onion, celery, capsicum and mushroom. On the sweeter side you can have muesli, fruit, banana bread with orange butter, or Dutch fruit loaf. The fruit loaf was also on special today, served with sweet marscapone cheese, fresh strawberries and maple syrup.

Despite a bad start (I stood like an idiot for a few minutes as staff walked past ignoring me), service turned out to be pretty good. And judging by the number of regulars, I'm assuming both food and service are pretty consistent.

16/20 "Dutch loaf"



Eggs & Pancetta $10.50 BB100 +5%

Daniel Chirico, King of Bomboloni

Despite having the most annoying name in town, Baker D. Chirico is the king of bomboloni. I've heard some people call it "Baker" (which could mean any old baker). I've heard people call it "deChirico" (which sounds a bit like "DeShawn"). There is simply no snappy way to say Baker D. Chirico. I wish they would rename the place "Chirico" to make it easy for people to spread the word. Because the bomboloni here are the biz. Especially if you score early and they're still warm.

Cafe Bruce, St Kilda

Bruce Springsteen. Bruce Willis. Bruce McAvaney. Bruce Ruxton. Bruce Almighty. Bruce Beresford. Even the Australian federal electorate of Bruce. They all take their place on The Wall of Bruce, at a cafe called... you guessed it... Bruce, 134 Carlisle Street, St Kilda, Tel +61 3 9537 1088. A celebration of Bruce-ness to rival The Wall of Gaylord.



Unfortunately the breakfast offerings at Cafe Bruce are unlikely to rival its competitors in the Carlisle strip. Eggs come in two forms. Microwaved scrambles on toast. Or toasted pide with fried egg, bacon, rocket and relish (which was quite good). Otherwise it's toast, muesli, porridge or toasted ham, cheese and tomato.

Bruce is really an espresso bar, with a side line of toasted pide. The focus is on the coffee. So much so that the Barista (I'm guessing his name is Bruce), stands smack bang in the middle of the cafe in what you might call a coffee booth.

It seems only fitting to end with a tribute to Bruce, Monty Python style. Enjoy...

Bluecorn, St Kilda

For some reason, every corn tortilla I've had in Australia looks and tastes like an oversized mutant corn chip (crunchy, brittle and u-shaped). You can get soft flour tortillas. But soft corn tortillas are as elusive as drop-bears. And, as I discovered this morning, you can't even get proper blue corn tortillas at Bluecorn, 205 Barkly Street, St Kilda, Tel +61 3 9534 5996. Very disappointment. It's not like they're hard to make.



Luckily, when I grumbled about the crunchy, greasy corn "tortillas" they were quick to switch them for nice soft flour tortillas, so I could get on with enjoying my Sizzling Breakfast Fajita. Basically, you shovel stuff off your cast iron hot plate and onto each tortilla, add some sour cream and guacamole, roll it up and eat. Ingredients include scrambled eggs, bacon, chorizo, corn, red peppers, black beans, mushrooms, spinach, tomato and pine nuts. Very tasty and very filling.

The real problem is that once you've had Mexican food in California (and presumably Mexico, but my first hand experience doesn't extend that far), everything you get in Australia is second rate. Comparing Bluecorn with, say, La Taqueria is like comparing Salma Hayek with a Chihuahua. They're not really in the same league.

On a positive note, Bluecorn does seem to cater well to veggies, vegans and anyone trying to avoid lactose or gluten, and the menu is far from boring. Choices include: tortillas; waffles; fruit bread French toast; porridge with Cuban banana and lime jam; and poached eggs with creamed spinach and grilled ocean trout. They do a decent Genovese coffee, too.

12/20 "fajita"



Eggs & Bacon $11.00 BB100 +10%

Greasy Joe's, St Kilda

Greasy Joe's - 68 Acland Street, St Kilda, Tel +61 3 9525 3755 - has got its mojo back. It's bigger than ever (they've annexed the place next door). The vibe is good. And you'll struggle to find a better fry-up anywhere in town. My breakfast with "the lot" was a hearty feast. The "triple bypass breakfast" may well kill you. Three eggs, three snags, three bits of bacon, three hash browns, fried onions... and a porterhouse steak. BYO defibrillator.



Back in the 90s, during a brief period of exile in Canberra, GJ's was one of the Melbourne experiences I missed and craved the most. The thought of parking myself in a booth for a lazy 3pm Saturday brekky of eggs benny made me wonder what I was doing in a freezing wasteland where they served lattes in poncy tall glasses with stems. Then, in more recent times, I had some dud experiences, and I feared that old school Joe's was dead (or suffering from serious heart problems).

After today, I fear no more. GJ's is back. The food is as good as ever, and the kooky but efficient St Kilda staff are on the job. One of the waiters (a bloke) looked like a cross between Nicole Ritchie and a roadie... skinny black jeans and sneakers with a super-size pair of pink sunnies. Very fetching.

The only let-downs were the button mushies (too wet) and the hash browns (too soggy). Otherwise, the eggs were superb, the meats tasty, and the Grinders coffee excellent.

17/20 "triple bypass breakfast"



Eggs & Bacon $8.50 BB100 -15%

Galleon Cafe, St Kilda

If there's one brekky spot that's old school St Kilda, it's the St Kilda Galleon Cafe, 9 Carlisle Street, Tel +61 3 9534 8934. It's been there a long time. It's sufficiently "Off Ackland" to prevent tourists stumbling in by mistake. It's decked out in antique laminex. And it's veggo-friendly. So I gave the pig a day off, and tried my luck with the sweet-potato, basil and fetta hash browns. Not bad at all.



Which got me thinking. There's something quite wrong with the term "tree-hugging veggo". I mean, if you're a tree-hugger, and therefore a plant-lover, how is it that you can rip an innocent bunch of spinach from the ground, starve the poor fellas till they die, or worse, slice them up and boil them alive. It's barbaric. A true tree-hugger really ought to stick with the stuff that falls off the plant through natural causes. An apple lying on the ground, for example. Or some peas that fell from their pod.

Speaking of veggos, most people already know that Moby and Gwynneth are plant-murderers. You may even know that Einstein and da Vinci were too. But guess who else has gone veggo? Meatloaf. It's true. I read it on the Internet. Coming soon to a record store near you... "Nutloaf's Greatest Hits".

Anyway, back to my hash browns, which were served with spinach (sauteed alive), an excellent poached egg, and a splodge of house-made relish. The presentation was excellent, and the flavours worked well. But (for me) the hash browns were a little disappointing. It's not that I didn't enjoy them (I did). It's just that, on the inside, the grated strands of sweet potato were still a little crunchy, and not all soft and mushy (my personal preference).

If hash browns aren't your thing, don't worry. Since the 189 Espresso crew took over at the Galleon, the menu is oozing with excellent options for veggos and meat-lovers alike. There's vegan beans or Jonathan's snags. Scrambled tofu or meatballs on toast. Banana bread or Benedict. The list goes on. One of the best menu's I can remember, and I've seen a few in the last 12 months.

About my only complaint is speed. When the place is full, service is slow. But good things are worth waiting for.

17/20 "Moby friendly"

Circa, St Kilda

Foodies love to bang on about Andrew McConnell, the part chef, part wizard who currently weaves his culinary magic at Circa, the Prince, 2 Acland Street, St Kilda, Tel +61 3 9536 1122. Such are his powers that I am thinking of starting a rumour that he is also, secretly, the Grand Master of the Priory of Sion, or at least one of the Senechaux. This is, after all, the man whose first restaurant was called Diningroom 211. Yes, that's right, 211... a perfect, inverted Fibonacci sequence. Think about that next time you're dining at the The Prince... and order yourself a Bloody Mary... Spooky.



Of course, after the disappointment of Mrs Jones (the Grand Master's other place of business), I arrived at Circa expecting a less-than-magical performance. The breakfast menu's have more than a passing similarity, with matching crumpet, doughnut and croque monsieur offerings, to name just three. So I was worried that my order of scrambled eggs was going to arrive in the style of an overcooked omelette, as it had during last week's visit to Mrs Jones.

Silly me. This was Circa. Holy ground. No mistakes allowed. The scrambles were flawless, and the breakfast experience up there with the very best.

Circa really gets it right at every level. The service is slick from the moment you arrive. The venue is spacious, stylish and comfortable, from the white leather banquettes to the theatrical mini-spots illuminating each table. And the food and coffee are truly excellent. Some of my extras weren't quite deserving of top marks (specifically the bacon skewers, toast and truss tomatoes, all of which were merely good), but just about everything else was. The smoked salmon croque monsieur, for example, was perfectly done, with a layer of dill-and-caper-infused cream cheese protecting the salmon from the perils of too much heat.

If you're careful, the Circa breakfast might only set you back around $20 a head. But throw in a couple of glasses of Pol Roger and you can double that. It's not cheap, but nor should it be. This is a special place.

19/20 "the grand master"