Apte, Alphington

I'm not sure I can call it the perfect breakfast, but this morning I had my first 20/20 experience at Apte, 538-540 Heidleberg Road, Alphington, Tel +61 3 9482 2991. Excellent eggs. Equally great extras. Fantastic fritters. Schmick venue. Smooth service. No mistakes. Schwing!



Perfection, I fear, is an elusive beast. Jessica Alba may be 2007's sexiest, but is she the perfect woman? Derek Zoolander may have been born with perfect bone structure, but is he the perfect man? Robert Parker may have scored the 1986 Romanee Conti Montrachet 100 points, but is it the perfect wine? No, no and no.

So please don't get hung up on the whole perfect score thing. Just enjoy a truly delicious corn, pea and feta fritter, drizzled with dill-infused sour cream and topped with a mountain of Tasmania's finest smoked salmon (and some nice, ripe avocado). Or tuck into a beautifully balanced big breakfast, with eggs, bangers, bacon and house-made relish, plus mushies, spinach, tomato and organic toast. Or go sweet with toasted, house made banana and coconut bread (with honey labna, pistachios and roasted seasonal fruit). Yum, yum and yum.

20/20 "almost perfect"



Eggs & Bacon $10.40 BB100 +4%

Fat Little Fritters at Small Block

I think Small Block deserves an upgrade to at least 16/20, with full marks (3/3) for the "other" stuff, ie, things other than eggs. These were some fine corn fritters, with a tasty side of creme fraiche and some kind of chili relish. Good bacon, too.



The Small Block menu also deserves special mention for variety. Oodles of choice, and plenty of creative twists.

Pepper, Flemington

These days, 44 Pin Oak Crescent, Flemington is a cafe called Pepper, Tel +61 3 9372 2726. Back in the good old days it was known as Girdwood's Hygienic Library. Not a filthy, disease-ridden library where any old scum could poison the books with their nasty germs. But a nice, clean, private lending library where the books were fumigated with formalin between each read. I'm guessing Pepper smells much better than it did in the good old days. But you never know what you might catch off the communal newspapers.



With quite a few glowing reviews under its belt, I was hoping for a top tier breakfast. The sweetcorn hotcakes, however, were no match for Mart 130 or Replete Providore. They were good enough, but nothing to rave about. I quite liked the combination of crispy bacon, rocket, tomato and aioli. I was also impressed with the poached egg I ordered as a side. A nice, fresh, free range egg, poached pretty well.

Other food options worth noting include the Breakfast of Champions (eggs, bacon, sausage, mushrooms, tomato and homemade beans on toast) and the Pepper's Breakfast (smoked salmon, homemade potato latkes, tomato, spinach and tomato relish).

Service was a bit slow, but friendly, and the Monte coffee was good (for an extra 20 cents you can upgrade to an organic East Timorese brew). Weather permitting, they have a few tables on the street outside, where you can fumigate your lungs with Marlboro Lights.

14/20 "latkes"



Eggs & Bacon $8.00 BB100 -20%

Caffe Panette, South Melbourne

It always seems to be a day of high gossip when I visit Caffe Panette, corner of Coventry and Cecil streets, South Melbourne, +61 3 9690 2803. Last time I was here it was Mark Latham dumping on Kim Beazley. Today it was Kylie dumping Oliver, Kate dumping Pete (again), and Dame Kiri dumping on Whispering Jack (whose on-stage snow-dropping antics weren't to her liking).



Unfortunately, Caffe Panette also decided to use our modified serve of Eggs Benedict as a dumping ground for some mangy off-cuts of smoked salmon. Actually, I'm not allowed to call it Eggs Benedict. According to our waitress, it was officially nothing more than poached eggs and salmon on toast with a side of hollandaise. "Once you take away the ham and the muffins, it's not Eggs Benedict" she told us smugly. She also told us that "sourdough only comes in white" (as in, they don't make it any other way... anywhere). It was the most educational breakfast I've had in ages. Rye sourdough was actually a figment of my imagination.



The lesson seems to be this: don't get too clever at Caffe Panette. They'll punish you for it.

If you stick to the script, however, the food is fine. Order scrambled eggs and bacon, for example, and you'll get a huge mound of very good scrambles and some tasty rashers of well-grilled bacon. The corn fritters with grilled ham and tomato relish were also very good. And Joe's melting muffins (topped with bacon, tomato, avocado and cheese) looked great.

Apart from the sourdough/benedict lesson, the service was good, as was the coffee. Panette is also a good place for people-watching on a nice day. They have a few outside tables from which to observe the market-going crowds.

Eggs & Bacon $10.00 BB100 +0%

On The Corner Espresso, Prahran

Well I guess it all started the first time I went through the second grade. I caught my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal, and I remember thinking "wow, you're ridiculously good looking, maybe you could do that for a career."

Next time Derek Zoolander comes to Melbourne I feel sure he'll be spotted having an Orange Mocha Frappuccino at On The Corner Espresso, 160 Greville St, Prahran, Tel +61 3 9533 8888. It's the perfect spot to check out all the other ridiculously good-looking people prancing up and down Greville Street. Or, you can stare at your spoon, admire your own really, really good looks, and practise Blue Steel.



If your diet permits, I can highly recommend the corn fritters. Three tasty fritters with plenty of corn and a touch of spice, served with just-crispy bacon, a generous amount of tomato-avocado salsa, a side of chili jam, and topped with fresh rocket.

Other tempting items include vanilla porridge with caramelised apples; "village style" baked beans; a Breaky Wrap filled with omelette, potato, cheese, chorizo and tomato chutney; and ham & eggs served with sweet paprika, sea salt, cracked pepper and toasted honey whole-wheat soldiers.

But what vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered male model could turn down a BABE... bacon, avocado, poached egg with a touch of soy mayo on a toasted bagel?

16/20 "nice salsa"



Eggs & Bacon $11.40 BB100 +14%

Otis, Albert Park

On a nice day, you could do worse than to grab an outside table at Otis, 123-125 Bridport St, Albert Park. You can bring the dog. The service is very good. And it's not all cramped and crowded like the rest of Bridport Street.



I had a very pretty serve of corn fritters with tomato salsa and avocado, to which I added a side of crispy bacon. The flavours were great, but the fritter was quite heavy and greasy.

Her Fussiness had poached eggs with salmon and spinach and was happy enough but for one rather solid egg and some unbuttered toast. The house-cured salmon was very good. Much fresher and firmer than average.

Otis also serves gluten free muesli, and a rather strange-sounding "brunch plate" with scrambled eggs, bacon, salmon, toasts, cheese, fruit, dips and herb salad.

16/20 "house cured salmon"



Eggs & Bacon $11.50 BB100 +15%

Annie Smithers Bistrot, Kyneton

You don't often see chicken livers on a breakfast menu. And it's not like I stumbled out of bed this morning thinking "mmm... I feel like a bit of liver." But there it was... chicken livers, bacon and spinach on toast. One of several tempting dishes on offer at Annie Smithers Bistrot, 72 Piper Street, Kyneton, Tel +61 3 5422 2039. I love the smell of offal in the morning.



If liver doesn't float your boat, I can also vouch for the eggs benedict (slightly under-poached but with good quality ham and an excellent tarragon-infused hollandaise), the corn fritters (with delicious thick-cut organic free-range bacon), the poached eggs (with a generous side of smoked salmon and spinach) and the croque monsieur (not bad, but a bit heavy on bread and light on filling).

The problem for Melbournians is that you have to drive an hour and a bit to Kyneton in order to enjoy these treats. But Kyneton is a dinky little town, so it makes for a good road trip. We even stumbled on a Saturday morning farmers' market.



The venue is country style with a touch of France, ie, Parisien cafe chairs with a nice blue and white weave. Sandblasted brick and bluestone walls are softened by hanging Persian rugs, while high ceilings and big windows give the room a spacious - if chilly - feel (a fireplace would make all the difference in Winter). And I was very pleased to see a Peugeot pepper grinder, and cool little eggs-shaped salt shakers, on every table. Real cloth napkins, too.

16/20 "mmm... liver"



Eggs & Bacon $8.50 BB100 -15%

Mart 130, Middle Park

It was stars galore this morning at Mart 130, 107a Canterbury Rd, Middle Park, Tel +61 3 9690 8831. First, we snare a table right next door to Slashie-award winning model-slash-author Tara Moss, who seemed to be enjoying her scrambled eggs. Then, as we're leaving, who should roll up in his groovy black Jag but Academy-award winning animator, Adam Elliot, aka Harvey Krumpet. This place is paparazzi paradise. Great for breakfast, too.



Days after I dish out my best corn fritters award, along comes Mart 130 to make me look stupid. Yes, that's right. This morning's corn fritters were definitely equal to, and probably a whisker better than those at Replete Providore. And that's quite a feat. I think it was the quality of the corn that did it. Fresh from the cob, and noticeably so. Plump, juicy, tasty little kernels, bound together in a fritter stack, with bacon, relish and sour cream. As Richie Benaud would say... Marvellous.

Not only is the food good, but it's cheap. House made baked beans with ham hock on sourdough toast (excellent toast, by the way), under $9. Poached free range eggs with asparagas, mushrooms, hollandaise and chives, under $10. Mart granola or bircher muesli, under $7. Or Pancakes with berries and lemon yoghurt, under $10.

And then there's the venue. If Bills is Sydney, then Mart is Melbourne. It's hidden away so you can't find it (at least, not without a few pointers from someone in the know). It's not a rip-off. And it doubles as a tram stop. Ding ding. Grab a spot on the back deck and soak up the Albert Park views... Marvellous.

Rounding out a star performance, the Mart team was very friendly, with great attention to detail. Good coffee (Genovese) and OJ too. My only small gripe was the portion size. My serve of scrambles and beans was a tad skimpy.

19/20 "breakfast star"



Eggs & Bacon $9.90 BB100 -1%

Bills Reloaded

Last time I accused Bills of being a two trick pony. Great scrambles, great hotcakes, and not much else. I stand corrected. I am upgrading this particular pony to three, and possibly four tricks. The corn fritters are also very good (although not as good as Replete), and it looks like the bircher muesli deserves high praise too. But that's it. Bad luck if you want something exotic, like, hmmm... poached eggs. Sorry, we don't do those.



This morning's brekky was made all the more exciting by the presence of Agent Smith, right across the communal table from us. Yes, Bill's lived up to its star-spotting credentials, and I am now able to say that I had breakfast with Hugo Weaving (we shared a table, after all). I kept hoping Trinity would join us, but the damned agent scared her off.