Mitte, North Fitzroy

For Melbourne's best poached eggs, go to Mitte, 76 Michael Street, North Fitzroy, Tel +61 3 9077 7379. I'd like to say the world's best poached eggs, but there are two good reasons not to. First, I have not yet tasted every poached egg the world has to offer. And second, I try to avoid saying things that make me sound like a total pillock.



But trust me. These were some seriously good eggs. Nice shape. No puddles of poaching water. Deep, dark golden yolks, oozing to perfection. And a taste so good you'll want to eat these fellas nude. Just shove a bit of pure, unadulterated egg in your gob and enjoy. Or maybe smear it on some Dench toast. But don't dress it up in too many fancy flavours. Try to enjoy the simple pleasure of a fresh, free-range egg.

Which is not to say that Mitte doesn't also give good flavour. Having savoured some naked egg, you can move on to a very tasty chick pea bake, some goat's fetta, a leafy herb salad, half an avocado and a squeeze of lemon. All served up with a couple of slices of very fresh Dench sourdough toast. Ausgezeichnet.

The flavour continues with the Cheap-Eats-Award-Winning potato and chorizo omelette with Collingwood College kitchen garden tomato and fennel chutney, and a tomato, buffalo mozzarella and basil salad. Or for those who like to start their day with dessert, the "breakfast crumble" of cinnamon poached pears and apples topped with a crunchy-granola-ish toasted macadamia crust. Personally, a gut full of such sickly goo first thing in the morning would make me want to barf. But each to her own.

Less sickly, but still sweet, are the pikelets, which I can highly recommend with lemon curd, fresh lemon, brown sugar, maple syrup and marscapone. Really, really good. You can also have them with berries, or with the exotic-sounding middle eastern fruit compote (although this has been said to lack a little zing).

I am, quite frankly, amazed this place has not had the gushing, raving praise it deserves (only Cheap Eats has stuck its neck out with a gong). The food is great. The Atomica coffee is excellent. The venue is a cute little white box in a quaint little corner location. The staff are polite. About the only thing wrong with Mitte is that you have to wait a bit. But that's what happens at good places. If you want fast service, go somewhere bad, where there are no other patrons to get in the way.

19/20 "poached egg perfection"

Julio Gives Good Doughnut

No fancy Italian names at Julio, 171 Miller Street, Fitzroy North, Tel +61 3 9489 7814. Just good old-school doughnuts, stuffed with house-made custard or strawberry jam. Forget the eggs. Just order yourself one of each doughnut, a cup of Coffee Supreme organic fair trade coffee, and enjoy one of life's great food combinations. They go together like Simon and Garfunkel. Never mind that Julio is named after Paul Simon's first solo release after breaking up with Art (Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard).

The Commoner, Fitzroy

I'll bet they don't serve food like this in prison. Unlike the "bran flakes and milk, hard-boiled eggs, a bun, jelly and fruit juice" that Paris Hilton is currently not eating, the fried egg sandwich at The Commoner, 122 Johnston St, Fitzroy, Tel +61 3 9415 6876, is hot. They call it "Honky". And this is one Honky worth speeding across town in your Bentley for.



The Honky really is an excellent egg sandwich. Two thick slices of Babka white bread, filled with a fried egg, crispy pancetta, rocket, aioli and harissa. Loaded with flavour. But not quite perfect. The yolk, you see, was still very much in liquid form. One bite and your hands, plate and the table below are covered in bright yellow goo. You have been warned. Unfortunately, I wasn't.

Paris, as we all know, was warned. But she, like, didn't understand that, like, she might end up in, like, a small cage wearing orange overalls (which are so last season), eating bran flakes. Helloooo... bran flakes? Can't I, like, order in a Bacon & Egg McMuffin?

Even Tony "The Rug" Mokbel is moaning about prison food. Who do I have to shoot to get a decent espresso 'round here?

Luckily, I was able to score a very nice latte at The Commoner without any threat of physical violence. But if you like it strong, you should say so. The default brew was a bit weak for my taste.

16/20 "honky"



Eggs & Bacon $12.00 BB100 +20%

Birdman Eating, Fitzroy

In the famous words of Captain Arnold Rimmer, "Smoke me a kipper skipper, I'll be back for breakfast." Because breakfast is good at Birdman Eating, 238 Gertrude Street, Fitzroy, Tel +61 3 9416 4747. Even the grilled kippers with horseradish butter and fried spuds. If you like fish for breakfast, that is.



Quite salty little fellas, the kippers. But not something I plan to make a habit of. Next time, I think I'll try the cheese kransky with bubble and squeak and poached eggs. Or the hot cinnamon doughnuts with chocolate sauce. Or maybe the baked eggs, which come in four flavours. Some kind of house specialty I think.

Apparently the name of this place was inspired by the Birdman Rally, where crazy people jump off a bridge and attempt to fly down the Yarra. They all end up in the Yarra, of course, which is about as good for you as going for a swim in a sewerage treatment plant. I only hope this morning's kippers weren't made with Yarra herring.

Birdman is a cosy little venue, with friendly staff, good Genovese coffee, and very dinky tea sets. Just remember to wait 30 minutes after breakfast before you go swimming in the Yarra.

16/20 "kippers"

Ici, Fitzroy

To speak French badly is to parler francais comme une vache espagnole. So I wouldn't be surprised if a Spanish cow had a hand in the business cards at Ici, 359 Napier Street, Fitzroy, Tel +61 3 9417 2274. That would explain why they serve tapas. It may also explain why they call the place a rod ("barre") when I think they mean bar ("bar"). At least they do a tasty omelette, even if it was a bit greasy.

Wild Flour, Fitzroy

If you're feeling anti-social, it's probably a bad idea to have breakfast at Wild Flour, 422 George Street, Fitzroy, Tel +61 3 9419 1391. You can sit on this communal table. Or you can sit on that communal table. Or you can sit outside (where they have two small tables for two). If, on the other hand, you're on the pull, Wild Flour is a winner. Let's face it, the communal table is a great place to chat up complete strangers. And since no-one expects to be chatted up over breakfast, you can mount a surprise attack.



The first thing you need is a good opening line:

"Please pass the salt" is no good. You'll get salt but no conversation.

"How do you like your eggs in the morning?" is a tiny bit presumptuous. Don't be surprised if you're shot down in two words... "Unfertilized, thanks."

"Is that on your diet?" is an excellent line if you enjoy being kicked in the nuts or stabbed in the eye with a fork.

"You clearly have good taste, is there anything on the menu you'd recommend?" is perfect. Soften them up with some flattery. Then pretend that you care what they have to say.

Actually, opening lines are much less important to the whole flirting process than you might think. According to this BBC story, you should really be tuning into 5 secret sexual signals that someone is flirting with you:

1. they spend a large amount of time looking at your mouth
   
2. they mirror your moves, as in, you sip your latte, they sip their latte, etc
   
3. they flash their eyebrows at you
4. they point their feet at you, not to be confused with kicking you in the nuts
   
5. they blink more than usual, although it doesn't count if you just flicked hollandaise in their eyes

So... what do you say when someone sits next to you on the communal table at Wild Flour, blinking like crazy, staring at your mouth, and says "You clearly have good taste, is there anything on the menu you'd recommend?"



Easy. You recommend the hand made potato cakes topped with poached eggs, spinach and hollandaise sauce. Or the scrambled eggs and bacon on Wildflour toast. Or the white sourdough French toast with grilled figs, whipped cream and maple syrup. Or the omelette with provolone, tomato and basil (although I wish they served it with toast, not bread). Or pretty much anything else on the menu. It all looked good. Very good coffee too (when they remember).

16/20 "communal"



Eggs & Bacon $12.50 BB100 +25%

Filter Cafe, Fitzroy

I want to go to culinary school because I love cooking. One day I'd love to open up a restaurant or cafe.

Mary-Kate Olsen (ex-child star, famous twin and fashion icon)

If the Olsen twins ever come looking for cafe inspiration in Australia, they really must do breakfast at Filter, 285 Brunswick St, Fitzroy, Tel +61 3 9416 3752. It's an excellent cafe. It's run by twins. And Mary-Kate's bobo homeless chic look is just perfect for Brunswick Street.



The best thing about Filter is that the substance lives up to the style. I went for the signature dish of "Filter Eggs" and it came out looking quite the supermodel. Two eggs fried in a big slice of white sourdough (with two round holes in it), topped with crisp, tasty bacon, rocket and aioli. All of which was surrounded by a ring of pesto, with "filter" scrawled across the plate in balsamic reduction. Very fancy. And it tasted even better. A tad greasy, but very very good.

The all day breakfast menu oozes choice: 2 different mueslis with poached fruit and yoghurt; "Raw Hide" porridge with maple syrup; fruit poached in red wine with yoghurt; 3 stack of pancakes; various toasts, including gluten free; 3 different omelettes (including smoked salmon, dill and brie); a "Brunswick Brekkie" with the lot; Eggs Benedict, Florentine or Atlantic; "Classic Eggs" poached on muffins with asparagas wrapped in prosciutto and topped with hollandaise; and scrambled tofu for the vegan crowd (which looked disgusting, if you ask me, but I'm no vegan, so what would I know).

Service is friendly and good, the Di Bella coffee is very good, and the venue is spacious and tastefully fitted out.

Yes... with cafes like Filter, it's hard to disagree with the wise words of Mary-Kate:

Australia is so cool that it's hard to even know where to start describing it. The beaches are beautiful; so is the weather. Not too crowded. Great food, great music, really nice people. It must be a lot like Los Angeles was many years ago.

17/20 "eggs bobo"



Eggs & Bacon $9.00 BB100 -10%

The Fitz, Fitzroy

The Fitz is on the fritz. At least that's my impression after this morning's visit to The Fitz Cafe, 347 Brunswick St, Fitzroy, Tel +61 3 9417 5794. Despite being a stylish and buzzy venue, there were too many cock-ups with the service and food.



First, some positives. The coffee was good. The bacon was done just right. The spinach was soft and tasty. The hollandaise was fine. And, as mentioned above, the venue is great: plenty of outside tables under a nice big tree; and a slick (if slightly grungy) interior with sheer black curtains, oversized wicker lamp-shades; and a well-worn polished concrete floor.

But things went wrong. Too many things.

I ordered the Fitz Breakfast with one substitution: spinach instead of tomato. Not a complicated order. When it arrived, I was presented with the Veggie Breakfast, with chili jam, no hollandaise, and no tomato.

After a moment of confusion, I explained that this wasn't what I ordered. Rather than ask what I did order, the waitress disappeared to "check". She returned to say that this was indeed my order, of a veggie breakfast with spinach, and no tomato.

I said that I ordered the Fitz Breakfast with spinach, not the Veggie Breakfast. She disappeared again to rectify the situation. It only occurred to me later that the Veggie Breakfast already includes spinach, so it would be impossible and illogical to "add" spinach.

Eventually, my Fritz Breakfast arrived, except that there was some unwanted chili jam, and still no hollandaise. I asked for the hollandaise. My waitress disappeared again to fetch a side of hollandaise. Before leaving, she also asked if I want cracked pepper, to which I said "yes". The hollandaise arrived, but the pepper grinder never made an appearance.

I started to eat. The eggs were underpoached, with raw whites spilling out like frog spawn. The mushrooms were wet and leathery, and tasted like crap. I pushed them to one side. The chili jam tasted like molasses.

The final straw was the bill. I was charged full price for a Veggie Breakfast, plus an extra $2 for the Spinach (which is already part of the Veggie Breakfast, even though that's not what I ordered). So, rather than charge me standard price (treating the substitution of equally-priced extras as price-neutral), they figured out a way to charge me extra, so as to arrive at the highest possible price. This approach to billing is a great way to annoy the customer, and it worked a treat today. I complained, the bill was corrected, and I left. I won't be back.

11/20 "on the fritz"

Don Vincenzo, Fitzroy

If someone wrote a scathing review of Artie Bucco's pasta at Nuovo Vesuvio, would Tony Soprano care? I'm hoping not. I'm also hoping that, despite the name, there are no mob ties to Don Vincenzo, 301 Brunswick Street, Fitzroy, Tel +61 3 9419 6204. Otherwise, what I'm about to say might have negative implications for my health and general well-being.



Expressed in simple terms, the Eggs Benedict at Don Vincenzo was crap. The menu said "soft poached eggs" but mine were rock hard. The menu said "shaved ham" but mine was thin-sliced and fried. The menu tempted me with a side of "sauteed spinach" but mine was pretty much raw with a light coating of warm oil. It was all presented in a flashy way, with a muffin-ham-muffin-ham-muffin-ham-egg stack, but that only made it difficult to eat. Not alot better than a Bacon & Egg McMuffin, really.

Other options include four types of omelette, "oven baked" pancakes and Chef's toasted muesli, plus all the usual toast, eggs and extras (including sauteed sweet corn and avocado).

Service was OK, and they were apologetic when I bitched about the crappy food. My compensation was a free coffee, which was funny, since the coffee was about the only thing worth paying for.

9/20 "go to Mario's next door"

Corner Store Cafe, North Fitzroy

Part diner, part milk bar, part caff. That's the vibe of the Corner Store Cafe, 100 Scotchmer St, North Fitzroy, Tel +61 3 9489 8505. You can buy the morning paper, order yourself a Grinders cappucino, and settle down to a relaxing breakfast at one of several retro tables. The food's not quite as good as Dench or Green Grocer, but it's got a homely X factor that draws you in. Except on Sundays, when they're closed.



I was very happy with my serve of poached free range eggs with sides of bacon and beans. The home made beans were particularly good, with a thick tomato sauce and nice soft beans of various shapes and sizes. The weak link was the toast, which was some kind of thin-sliced, processed variety. With Dench Bakers just across the road, I can only assume the decision to serve low-grade toast is driven by economics. But if cutting costs is so important, why not serve caged eggs and beans from a can?

The Corner Store menu is broad, but no frills. You can get eggs, bacon and extras, but nothing fancy like Benedict or Florentine. They also do "Lite" versions of the "Vegetarian Special" (which includes mushrooms, tomato and spinach) and the "Meatie Special" (the vegie extrs plus bacon and sausages). Lite seems to mean 1 egg and 1 toast, rather than 2. They also do omelettes, French toast, pancakes and porridge (the hot stuff), and muesli or fruit salad (the cold stuff).

For dog owners, smokers and lovers of fresh air, there's a couple of street-side tables. But with Melbourne cloaked in a brown haze of bushfire smoke, and the temperature heading for the high 30s (100+ in old-speak), this was not a day for fresh air.

15/20 "retro"



Eggs & Bacon $9.00 BB100 -10%

Back to Babka

Last time I was here I enjoyed the kind of service that makes Qantas look good. But I decided it was time for a second opinion. Stephen Downes, for example, reckons Babka is "perhaps the best café in the known universe." Then again, Stephen Downes scored Vue de Monde 13/20, so maybe he's a few beans short of a burrito these days.



Speaking of beans, I'm pleased to report that the Georgian Baked Beans with crumbled feta are still the best in town. Perhaps the Milky Way? But is this really the best cafe in the universe? I think not.

Service today was OK, but nothing special. We were attended to by at least four different people before the food had arrived, and they were all pleasant enough.

Today's specials included a Croque Monsieur, which was actually a French toasted cheese sandwich. Sans jambon. Sans moutarde. So calling it a Croque was a bit of stretch. But it was quite a nice French toasted cheese sandwich nonetheless.



Babka is also in the running for best graffiti, with some cute babushka dolls sprayed on the front wall.

Atomica, Fitzroy

Atomica is a strange name for a Brunswick Street cafe. I would have thought the Fitzroy crowd would be happier if the place was called "Windmills" or "Solar" or something less radioactive. But it seems the coffee is so good that the locals are willing to turn a blind eye to a bit of pro-nuke subliminal advertising. Good coffee will do that to you. And this place does seriously good coffee. The froth on my cappucino was silky smooth.



The eggs are good too. I was very happy with my benedict on bagel with a side of sauteed spinach. Eggs poached just right, bacon crispy but not burnt, and nice toasty bagel to give the dish some crunch. Another item to catch my eye was the three cheese omelette, with feta, mozzarella and parmesan, served on toasted sourdough. Have't seen one of those before and it sounded pretty good.

If you're the experimental type, you could have some fun with the Atomica pancakes. You get pancakes with maple syrup, plus any two of banana, bacon, natural yoghurt, berry compote, berry yoghurt, and fresh fruit. How does bacon and berry yoghurt sound? Molecular gastronomy for breakfast.

15/20 "nice coffee"



Eggs & Bacon $9.50 BB100 -5%

Dench Bakers, North Fitzroy

For some reason, every time I see a Bomboloni my subconscious starts singing that old Gypsy Kings tune... Bomba-lo-niiii... Bomba-lo-niii... la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la laaaa... As you can see, Spanish is not my strong point. The other thing that happens every time I see a Bomboloni is that I eat one. This morning, this happened at Dench's Bakery Cafe, 109 Scotchmer Street, North Fitzroy, Tel +61 3 9486 3554. With places like this, it's easy to see why our friends from Sierra Leone might want to stay in Melbourne.



In truth, I didn't really need a Bomboloni. I had just wolfed down an excellent plate of creamy, chive-scrambled eggs on toasted brioche with a side of bacon and avocado. But in the interests of giving this review greater depth, I decided I should try something other than eggs.

As you'd expect, Dench's excels at pastries and toast: croissant (plain, chocolate or filled with ham, cheese and tomato); sweet and savoury muffins; egg and bacon pie; mushroom and thyme pie; stoneground toast; raisin toast; olive toast; fruit bun; escargot; and more.

The venue has a good buzz, but it's a tight squeeze and probably not ideal for groups bigger than 3 or 4. And I challenge anyone not to buy a loaf of bread as you leave.

16/20 "sourdough heaven"



Eggs & Bacon $8.50 BB100 -15%

Madame SouSou, Fitzroy

It's a dangerous time to be a cartoonist (especially a Danish one). So I wonder how the French will feel about the female caricature adorning the menus at Madame SouSou, 231 Brunswick Street, Fitzroy, Tel +61 3 9417 0400.



Dressed in period gear, with one hand up in the air, the other hand appears to be wedged firmly up her derriere. Are they trying to imply that French women have worms? Is that the dirty little secret behind French Women Don't Get Fat?

Assuming it doesn't get ripped apart by rioting Frenchwomen in the weeks ahead, one thing's for sure... this is a good place for breakfast. My SouSou breakfast was anything but so so. Firm, buttery scrambled eggs. Delicious double-smoked bacon. Golden, crumbling, house-made hash browns. Roasted tomato, fresh avocado, and crunchy sourdough toast. Yum yum.



Other interesting items on le menu du petit dejeuner include ricotta pancakes with warmed strawberries, honeycomb, and vanilla bean butter; Madame SouSou's toasted fruit and nut muesli with apple and berry compote, and sheep's milk yoghurt (no, Yoplait isn't really French for yoghurt); and sweet corn fritters with smoked salmon, avocado, tomato salsa and creme fraiche.

Or, if you want to get all French, there's a selection of croissants, with shaved ham, cheese, blah blah blah... and a rather fancy sounding pear, fig and walnut "French" toast, with cinnamon marscapone and clover honey.

The venue is stylish without being stuffy, and the staff look very snazzy in their white aprons and black pants. But if you're on an outside table (as I was), there's a risk of being out-of-sight, out-of-mind. It took me a while to order a second coffee.

My only other comment relates to price. At $17 for the signature breakfast, it's just a tad too expensive to be good value. This is, however, a close call. And I will come back for more.

16/20 "mmm... double smoked bacon"



Eggs & Bacon $11.50 BB100 +15%

Ici, Fitzroy

This morning I finally made it to Ici, 359 Napier Street, Fitzroy, Tel +61 3 9417 2274. Apart from the name, there's nothing French about this place, unless you count the "French Toast" with mixed Winter berries, roasted chesnut marscapone and syrup. But who cares? This groovier-than-thou back-street cafe is an excellent spot for a leisurely brekky. Very impressive.



The Ici menu is anything but run-of-the-mill. There's scrambled tofu with Thai mint, white bean miso paste, mushrooms and spinach; Kedgeree spiced rice with smoked cod, egg and minted yoghurt; organic apple and oat porridge; semolina pudding with toasted almonds; and an indian spiced omelette with dukah and corriander chutney.

I played it safe with scrambled eggs, sourdough toast, house-baked beans, onion marmalade and a goat sausage. Yes... that's right... a goat sausage. Tasty. The coffee was excellent, too.

Next time I think I'll go the buffalo banger instead.

17/20 "nice goat"

Marios, Fitzroy

If there's one place that deserves special status as a breakfast institution, it's Marios, 303 Brunswick Street, Fitzroy, Tel +61 3 9417 3343. The first to serve breakfast all day. The benchmark for high quality, smart alec service. The go to place for a Melbourne cafe experience. It's nice to know that despite all that's changed in the last 20-odd years, Marios hasn't. Good eggs and bacon. Good coffee. Excellent service.



Ask me what makes this place so special and the best I can do is quote Dennis Denuto, legendary constitutional lawyer and star of The Castle... "it's just the vibe". Mismatched, multi-coloured lights. A couple of antique black and white tellys stuck to the poster-filled walls. Waist-coated waiters. White linen tables. It's just a great place to be.

The menu covers all the breakfast classics, with eggs, omelettes, beans, bacon, sausages, spinach, mushrooms, tomato, hash browns, avocado and salmon. They also do a respectable eggs benedict or florentine, which comes with bernaise rather than hollandaise. About the only thing missing is pancakes, but you can always make do with french toast.

17/20 "best vibe"

The Green Grocer, North Fitzroy

Say what you like about the organic, biodynamic, birkenstock-wearing crowd... they make a kick-arse breakfast. At least, that's what you'll get at The Green Grocer, 217 St Georges Road, North Fitzroy, Tel +61 3 9489 1747. As Paris Hilton would say, "it's hot". But just in case her dubious trade mark ever gets up, please note that I am not in any way suggesting that she did say that, nor that she would, if she ever came here, which is pretty unlikely.



Enough about Paris, back to North Fitzroy... time for a rave review.

I'll start with my big breakfast. Take a herb and fetta pancake, load it up with spinach, mushrooms, bacon, pesto, avocado, hash browns and boston baked beans. Top it off with a perfectly poached egg, and dig in. Trust me, you'll be grinning for the rest of the day.

But why stop there? The Green Grocer menu bats right down the order. How about mushrooms in red wine butter on grilled polenta? Or granola sweetened with pear juice and vanilla bean, served with grated apple yoghurt? Even the toast is sexed up. As much as I enjoyed my pancake, the sesame-encrusted sourdough was hard to resist.

If you're looking for a certified organic breakfast, this place is hardcore. Anything less than 70% organic gets a little black mark, just in case dangerous chemicals lurk within. And if you like your sausage aligned with Uranus, then the biodynamic free-range snags will be right up your alley. It tasted like a pork sausage to me, but it was reassuring to know that the pig was tuned in to the forces of the cosmos.

My only gripe with this place is that it gives me sweet FA to whinge about. Bitching and moaning is, after all, much more fun than being nice. So, I won't go on about the slick service, the laid back vibe, or the Jaspers "o blend" organic coffee. All were good.

At somewhere between 10 and 20 bucks, The Green Grocer breakfast is not only great, but great value. Try it. I'll be amazed if you don't come back for more.

17/20 "best big (organic) brekky"