Post 390, Boston

You'd be surprised how difficult it is to get baked beans for breakfast in Boston. Baked beans are like Massachusetts Republicans. They exist, but they keep a very low profile. So don't be fooled by the brunch menu at Post 390, 406 Stuart Street, Boston, MA, Tel +1 (617) 399-0015. No beans there. But ask your waiter, and tell them how much you were looking forward to sampling their magnificant house-baked beans, and you never know your luck.

Union Bar and Grill, Boston

Cod cakes. Eggs Benny New England style.

Grigons & Orr, North Melbourne

Well, there's egg and bacon; egg, sausage, and bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon, and spam; egg, bacon, sausage, and spam; spam, bacon, sausage, and spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon, and spam; spam, sausage, spam, spam, bacon, spam, tomato, and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg, and spam; spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, and spam; or Lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pate, brandy, and a fried egg on top, and spam - Monty Python breakfast menu

Unfortunately there was only one spam dish on the menu at Grigons & Orr, 445 Queensberry Street (corner of Chetwynd), North Melbourne, Tel +61 3 9663 5192. Because spam was the highlight of the pan fried spiced ham topped with scrambled egg and drizzled with truffle oil. And you know something's wrong when the highlight came straight from a tin.



The eggs were your average scrambled eggs. The toast was your average thin-sliced toast. And the truffle oil was so lightly drizzled as to escape detection by my amateur taste buds. This may have been the desired outcome of an ingenious plan to cast spam as the spicy star on a bland stage devoid of distracting flavours. Or it may have been a bad day in the kitchen. It was certainly a bad day for hash browns. Mine was extremely doughy and barely palatable.

Could this really be the same place that Preston, Valent and the copycats had raved about? Was it my fault for ordering spam spam spam and eggs, rather than apple fritters, cous cous porridge, or pancakes with Barbados cream? Maybe so (although others have slammed the pancakes).

It is a quaint little venue. They do sell mixed lollies (whoopee). The coffee is good. And the staff are friendly. But, in my biased opinion, if the eggs aren't up to snuff, who gives a crap about crocheted blankets?

13/20 "spam"

Mitte, North Fitzroy

For Melbourne's best poached eggs, go to Mitte, 76 Michael Street, North Fitzroy, Tel +61 3 9077 7379. I'd like to say the world's best poached eggs, but there are two good reasons not to. First, I have not yet tasted every poached egg the world has to offer. And second, I try to avoid saying things that make me sound like a total pillock.



But trust me. These were some seriously good eggs. Nice shape. No puddles of poaching water. Deep, dark golden yolks, oozing to perfection. And a taste so good you'll want to eat these fellas nude. Just shove a bit of pure, unadulterated egg in your gob and enjoy. Or maybe smear it on some Dench toast. But don't dress it up in too many fancy flavours. Try to enjoy the simple pleasure of a fresh, free-range egg.

Which is not to say that Mitte doesn't also give good flavour. Having savoured some naked egg, you can move on to a very tasty chick pea bake, some goat's fetta, a leafy herb salad, half an avocado and a squeeze of lemon. All served up with a couple of slices of very fresh Dench sourdough toast. Ausgezeichnet.

The flavour continues with the Cheap-Eats-Award-Winning potato and chorizo omelette with Collingwood College kitchen garden tomato and fennel chutney, and a tomato, buffalo mozzarella and basil salad. Or for those who like to start their day with dessert, the "breakfast crumble" of cinnamon poached pears and apples topped with a crunchy-granola-ish toasted macadamia crust. Personally, a gut full of such sickly goo first thing in the morning would make me want to barf. But each to her own.

Less sickly, but still sweet, are the pikelets, which I can highly recommend with lemon curd, fresh lemon, brown sugar, maple syrup and marscapone. Really, really good. You can also have them with berries, or with the exotic-sounding middle eastern fruit compote (although this has been said to lack a little zing).

I am, quite frankly, amazed this place has not had the gushing, raving praise it deserves (only Cheap Eats has stuck its neck out with a gong). The food is great. The Atomica coffee is excellent. The venue is a cute little white box in a quaint little corner location. The staff are polite. About the only thing wrong with Mitte is that you have to wait a bit. But that's what happens at good places. If you want fast service, go somewhere bad, where there are no other patrons to get in the way.

19/20 "poached egg perfection"