Saturday, December 03, 2005

If Cafe, Melbourne

I am a firm believer that names matter. Branding matters. Not just for Coke and Pepsi. But for cafes and restaurants too. And my gratuitous branding advice for the people behind "If Cafe" is that you should (a) get a new name, and (b) sack whoever came up with the first name. It sucks. It's not memorable. It subvocalises a message of disappointment and regret. It's got bad brand-karma. "If... only we used real hollandaise."

My original plan was to have breakfast at Medusa. When I arrived, however, I found myself dining at If Cafe, 191 Queen Street, Melbourne, Tel +61 3 9602 2262. Medusa was gone. I should have gone too. But I stayed, and ordered the Benedict, with double-smoked bacon.

Although the bacon was very good, there were two strange culinary decisions that dominated the dish. First, they used bottled hollandaise, not fresh stuff, which in my opinion is a sign of extreme laziness. It's the equivalent of serving canned "spaghetti" at an Italian restaurant. Sure, they're both called spaghetti. But you expect something more than can-opening when you eat out. Second, they didn't bother to split the muffin, instead serving it like a grilled bun at the base of an egg and bacon stack. Very odd. I'm still not sure if this was designer flair or complete ignorance, but it wasn't an improvement on the traditional split muffin approach. They also hard-poached one of the eggs.

Another dish with an interesting twist was the eggs florentine. For some reason, they serve it with chicken tenderloin. I guess that makes the chicken both involved and comitted.

As I was the only person eating in the whole place, I can only speculate on the quality of the other food, which includes pancake stacks, omelettes, "chunky tropical fruit" and more.

If only they split my muffin.

9/20 "muffbun"



Blogger Ed Charles said...

Excellent. You have to keep away from those Age-like 14/20s.

7/12/05 18:33  
Anonymous Jess said...

I worked at IF cafe around Sept 2005, (waitress not chef!) and 1. yes the chefs weres assholes, until they got a new one.. i think the prob was they went through too many.. and wasn't an stable set food 'serving'.
i remember the chef made hollandaise from scratch and it was the first time i have ever tasted it and i LOVED it! and i remember they did split the muffins every time.
its a shame ur break fast had to suck!!!
i blame it on some dumb lasy new ass hole chef and the fact that is that fat 30 year old slag of a waitress still works there... she was a lazy bitch too, and couldn't care less about anything except trying to pick up international guests to IF cafe.

If was working there, i would have loved to try and accompidate your complaints of the shitty breakfast!!

7/8/07 12:47  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol well i was a chef at if cafe in 2006 the problem is yes of course that fat lazy waitress that is a "slut" there and most of course the neglect from the male owner whose head is bigger than a hot air baloon under paying and not looking after the valuable staff that did care.
RESULT: under average food and service in a promising venue>>>>>

22/2/08 00:15  
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2/6/16 19:48  

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