Grigons & Orr, North Melbourne

Well, there's egg and bacon; egg, sausage, and bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon, and spam; egg, bacon, sausage, and spam; spam, bacon, sausage, and spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon, and spam; spam, sausage, spam, spam, bacon, spam, tomato, and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg, and spam; spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, and spam; or Lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pate, brandy, and a fried egg on top, and spam - Monty Python breakfast menu

Unfortunately there was only one spam dish on the menu at Grigons & Orr, 445 Queensberry Street (corner of Chetwynd), North Melbourne, Tel +61 3 9663 5192. Because spam was the highlight of the pan fried spiced ham topped with scrambled egg and drizzled with truffle oil. And you know something's wrong when the highlight came straight from a tin.



The eggs were your average scrambled eggs. The toast was your average thin-sliced toast. And the truffle oil was so lightly drizzled as to escape detection by my amateur taste buds. This may have been the desired outcome of an ingenious plan to cast spam as the spicy star on a bland stage devoid of distracting flavours. Or it may have been a bad day in the kitchen. It was certainly a bad day for hash browns. Mine was extremely doughy and barely palatable.

Could this really be the same place that Preston, Valent and the copycats had raved about? Was it my fault for ordering spam spam spam and eggs, rather than apple fritters, cous cous porridge, or pancakes with Barbados cream? Maybe so (although others have slammed the pancakes).

It is a quaint little venue. They do sell mixed lollies (whoopee). The coffee is good. And the staff are friendly. But, in my biased opinion, if the eggs aren't up to snuff, who gives a crap about crocheted blankets?

13/20 "spam"

Auction Rooms, North Melbourne

Back in the good old days, bargain hunters went to auction rooms. Today, they go to eBay. Which leaves more room for people to open cafes, like Auction Rooms, 103-107 Errol Street, North Melbourne, Tel +61 3 9326 7749. In, you guessed it, some former auction rooms. Not only do they serve great coffee, they even roast their own beans.



They also serve interesting food, like hazelnut-crumbed lambs brains on saute bacon and spinach with sweet onion jam. Brains for breakfast. Not exactly my cup of tea. I prefer to avoid foods that give me mad cow disease and gout. But I'm sure some of you are far more daring than me. Knock yourselves out.

Fandango, North Melbourne

Things are changing in North Melbourne. Women can walk up King Street without being groped by Wayne Carey. Children can walk down Arden Street without being offered smack. The Kangaroos are about to relocate to the Gold Coast. And you can now enjoy a very fine breakfast on Errol Street, thanks to the arrival of Fandango, 97 Errol Street, North Melbourne, Tel +61 3 9329 0693. But don't go there on a Monday. It's closed. Open Tues-Sun 7.30am-3pm.



This was, without doubt, one of the most delicious serves of scrambled eggs and bacon I have ever had. The pesto-scrambled eggs were rich and tasty (flecked with little baby chunks of pine nut); the sourdough toast was thick and buttery (with a distinct sour note); and the bacon perfectly crispy (by which I mean crisp, but not to the point of shattering). I also switched the grilled tomato for some fresh, ripe avocado, which was great.

Vegetarians will no doubt be tempted by the poached eggs with beetroot and fetta relish, which you can have with spinach and/or mushrooms. It looked excellent. Or, if you like it sweet, the triple stack of pancakes sounded pretty good, served with banana, strawberries, home-made honeyed cream cheese and maple syrup.

The venue is neither big, nor fancy, but it has a place-to-be buzz and the staff are friendly and efficient. I think there are some tables "out the back", but I didn't get that far. They serve a very good Coffee Supreme brew, too.

18/20 "best scrambled ever?"