The Windsor, Melbourne

I used to think it was risky eating breakfast at hotels. Now I think there really should be an eleventh commandment: thou shall not eateth a hotel breakfast. Unless you like eating very average food at very high prices. For proof, look no further than The Windsor, 111 Spring Street, Melbourne, Tel +61 3 9633 6000.



The Eggs Benedict came out looking like a couple of Brighton housewives... too much time under the sun-lamp. All that remained of the "famous" Windsor hollandaise was some molten butter and a crusty skin. What were they thinking? I complained... the waiter disappeared to administer a face-lift... and eventually my eggs reappeared with a fresh layer of the Windsor's finest (which turned out to be OK).

Otherwise, the Benedict was very ordinary: the "country ham" was ungrilled; the muffins were just muffins; and the hash browns were fresh from the deep freeze. At $16 it was (surprisingly) one of the "cheap" options on the menu (only the $12 boiled eggs and soldiers were cheaper).

Speaking of cheap, I spent a good part of the morning fighting the urge to stare at a scantily clad maiden breakfasting at a nearby table... with her... ummm... uncle? boss? The good thing about the Windsor is that the windows are frosted and, at these prices, there's very little chance your wife will drop in for a bite to eat. Very discrete. Even better than the Qantas toilets.

So, if you're looking for somewhere fancy and private, and you're not too fussed about what you eat, this is the place for you. After a few glasses of Bucks Fizz who's gonna remember the food?

12/20 "bucks fizz"